Permalink
Today has a been a long day but I will keep this short and simple so I can just go to bed and wake up to prepare for a new day. So I didn’t go to my ochem class this morning and forgot to lock the door when I left. That just made my day not so good. I won’t call it a bad day because if it was it was just me who brought myself down. Nothing terribly bad happened today. I finished my first ochem problem set. I went to all the other classes. Just one thing, I didn’t finish my ochem post lab or prelab and the lab i prepared last week didn’t happen. O well, I just have to pick myself up and move on. Okay. Anything interesting. Oh yes, I held a tarantula today. It was a big step because I’m so scared of spiders. I am still scared of them but at least I built up the courage to hold one. It was kind of cool. I guess that was a big step for me. Anyways, I watched the news today and say Oprah with her last show today. I want to be like her. She has inspired me. I know that I want to help and give back to the community somehow. I never knew how. But now I do. I want to do it in a way that Oprah has. I want to influence people, inspire people, give back to the world. My first step is to join the army or marine or what ever, to serve my country first. This will be my major step to give back to the community. I will also give back by help build PBL successfully here at Davis. I will also bring it to Sac State. I’ve got a big list on my hands. Anyways, not many people see me as the type to be serving my country in that way. Ha, I told my ex this and he just totally didn’t see it. I guess I just surprise a lot of people. Anyways, I know it’s going to be hard to get to my parents when I decide to do this. But when I come back I want to be open minded and find new ways to inspire people. I want to help people. I want to make a difference in this world. I know I can make a big difference in this world. This is what I always thought of, but my problem was how. How was I going to do so. I’m still not 100 percent positive how but I now have more ideas and they are starting to come together. I will influence little by little first. As of right now I must do my best in school and influence the people around me. I will not let peer pressure take me down. I have been strong and have rarely let peer pressure take me down. I will not do what I don’t want to do unless I have to do it to reach my goal. I will no longer let people boss me around and bring me down. I will do well in school and I will be a biomedical engineer, a mechanical engineer, a physicist, a business woman, a musician, and an artist in someway. This will be hard. It sounds crazy, but I will do it. I will get my 3 degrees in davis and the other 3 at sac state. It is a plan. I will graduate in max 5 years. After that, I will go into the army or what ever. Then when I come back, go to more school, and learn about the entertainment world, as well as everything else I want to study. Then when I make more money and slowly make enough to give back, I will somehow influence the rest of the world. Possibly through a show that would inspire people like Oprah. I am determined. I will get this done. I will surprise everyone around me. I will show everyone around me the true me. I will show everyone around me the me they have never seen. I have not changed. I am still me. The person everyone has seen me as. They are just going to see the rest of me for I have not shown them the complete me. I have it all inside. I say I don’t dance because I am embarrassed. I probably can. I know I can. Probably not great, but I know I can. But I will no longer hide myself. I won’t be behind that shell. I won’t be lying to myself. No more telling myself and the people around me that I can’t do something that I actually probably can. It’s now time to bloom. This is my stage in life to bloom and to shine. I will be a flower that has bloomed and will not wilt until I die. Perhaps I am a star that shines. I am a star that shines until my death when I burst into a supernova. I will make an impact and I will be remembered. I guarantee it.
In all this, I will still remember my family. I know I probably won’t be able to build a family through all this but that’s okay. Family doesn’t mean I have to get married and have children or have a significant other. The world will be my family. Yes. When I am able to give back to the world, the world will be family. Not in the sense where the world has taken over my life because of the entertainment world. More like, I know they have my back. I don’t need a man in my life. I am perfectly fine living alone. I do want children though. Well I don’t really need to have them. I can just play with my sisters children and my cousin’s children. Heck, my family is huge.
As great as having someone by your side sound, it’s not for everyone. I wish I can believe that there is someone for everyone out there. I really do. I’m not being pessimistic, I just really believe there is no one out there for me. I don’t think there is one man on this planet that can stand me and understand me. Understand the things I do, understand my personality, cope with who I am, accept me for who I am. If that man is out there, heck, I’d probably push him away the moment things get serious or things don’t turn out the way I want it to be. I did that once before with my first and probably only boyfriend. I don’t even really know what we had there. I don’t even know if I could consider him as my boyfriend. Many things I did was for him, but I guess that was my fault for doing things that he probably didn’t care about or want. We kept us a secret and never really hung out at school because I didn’t want to pull him away from his friends. I don’t know if he ever understood that. He probably though I was embarrassed to be around him or something. Also this was another benefit for me because my sister didn’t know about the relationship. It wasn’t the point though. I didn’t plan on telling my sister anyways. But when I made that decision, it was because I know he doesn’t exactly get the advantage of going out much because of his ride (his parents) so I just thought that it would allow him more time with his friends, where as I could talk to him on the phone or chat with him to get to know him. Wow this makes myself sound really bitter, and still angry or not over him yet. Well, to be honest, I am not angry. I would like to say that I am over him though. I do want to work at being friends. I don’t know 100 percent whether I am or not over him yet but I am probably 90 percent sure. Only time will tell. I am happy for him and happy that he has found someone. He said he was pursuing her. I am no longer on facebook so I wouldn’t know how that is working out for him. I will, come back when school ends and I will find out how it went. If not later, I will find out memorial weekend or something. It doesn’t matter how. It’s going to only be a matter of time. Apart of me really wished things work out for him and her. After all I am pretty good at push the person I like away into someone else’s arms. Did that before I met him. I guess the other part of me sort of wishes that it doesn’t because I thought he might have been the one. Maybe I was thinking too much. Anyways, I really wished that things did work out for us. Maybe it’s just because things tend to work out for me. When they don’t I am usually okay because I already had a second option. It’s harder to say with feelings. As for school work and all that other stuff smuff, it’s much easier to move on because I either didn’t get to experience it at all or got something useful out of it during the time being and have accepted moving forward to continue my work. With people it is different, everyone is unique in their own different ways and you will never be able to find anyone that is a duplicate like them. You may find traits but it’s just simply never the same.
Okay, sleep time. It’s now 12:15 am. It probably took me 45 minutes to an hour to write this all out. goodnight world.
